Head-explosion avoidance for dummies

For as long as I can remember I've had a horrible temper. My poor family dealt with it by leaving me alone until I apologized ... or until I appeared to be happy again. Afterwards, they wouldn't mention the Crazy they had just witnessed, although looking back on it, I'm sure they still remember the terribly hurtful things I said and did while raging away. I don't remember ever physically hurting anyone (other than myself), but I would hit pillows, scream into them, rip paper, kick rocks, throw stuffed animals, ANYTHING to get that terrifying burst of energy out of my system.

When Robert and I got married, he didn't just leave me alone to rage. He called me out. I realized how childish I was acting, and the tantrums ceased.

Then, after my daughter was born, I felt I was losing control of my life. I felt alone, helpless, hopeless, and misunderstood. I could no longer express my needs in a calm way. Sometimes, I couldn't even find the words to say it in a loud, angry, yelly way. So, the Crazy returned.

I realize now the reason I've had temper problems my whole life. Somewhere along the way, I felt misunderstood. So misunderstood that there was just no way to put my thoughts and feelings in to the right words to help those around me understand. So I raged. It was neither an effective way to get my point across nor a particularly helpful way to endear myself or my point of view to others.

My immediate response whenever I am frustated is to blame others. I would get so angry because my kitchen was disorganized, because my husband would sleep through everything, because the laundry detergent wasn't working very well. Every incident that had me shaking with anger was someone else's fault.

The Crazy took on a life of its own again when my dear mother-in-law  came to help after K was born. She and I have always been able to get along and understand each other pretty well, even though she speaks only Spanish and my first language was English. I understand quite a bit of Spanish, but expressing myself in that language is not easy for me. When she started giving advice on everything baby-related, I couldn't explain to her why I was doing things a certain way. I knew in my head why, but to explain it in English was difficult, to explain it in Spanish, impossible. My first rage fit was after she and my husband had come home from the grocery store. K was screaming her little head off and I was trying to get her in to the Moby wrap so she could go to sleep. My mother-in-law rather abruptly said "Give her to me." And I couldn't defend myself. I couldn't tell her why I didn't want to give her the baby. So I handed her the baby and went down the hallway, threw the Moby wrap into the wall, and screamed. Not my finest moment.

There have been several such incidences ever since then. I never have felt angry with my daughter. But I have felt so, so angry with my husband, with my mother-in-law, and with myself. It is so silly and stupid to act this way. But at times it feels like the only way to get them to listen. It doesn't get them to listen, by the way. It just shuts everyone down.

And so, in writing this post, I have realized that the reason I get defensive is not because I am being attacked or ignored. It is because I cannot communicate. Because the way I say things is ineffective. Because I need to stop and think before I yell scream speak.

When my child gets older and starts to communicate, I need to remember how frustrating it is when you know what you want or need but you can't find the right words. I need to remember what it's like to feel like everyone is ignoring you or like no one understands you. I need to be sympathetic, but I also need to give her the tools to deal with her frustration in a constructive way. And if she needs to rage a little bit, I need to make sure there's nothing fragile in her room.